What It Is

We all have a past, a history, for better or for worse. It is what we do with that past, that sets us up for today and what is around the bend in life. The past is, exactly that, past. You can't change it. You can't fix it. You also can't deny it. What you have to do today is take what you are, who you are, and what you have and make the best of it. You have a story unlike any other. That story may help someone else out  further along the road. Often, I wondered how I landed in the middle of nowhere Kansas in a place where I don't really "fit" and don't plan on sticking around. I think this is probably my blessed desert. This is the place where I lay my past to rest and get on with the rest of my life. I now choose to be grateful for what I do have and change the focus from what I don't. I choose to take relationships where they are, forget the blame, and move forward in a positive direction. Perfect, I am not. Growing, I am. What I am is me. I am moving past trying to being. As the wise Yoda said, "Do or do not... there is no try." The path of my life still has a lot of miles left. Growth is a life long process. As the phoenix rises from the ashes, so will my life rise from the past. I am moving as the Lotus flower does. I am leaving mud and muck behind and reaching for the light.
This journey can only be taken one step at a time, one choice at a time. Forgiveness must be given and recieved. Joy and gratitude must be chosen over drama and resentment. Anger must be abandoned. Love must be accepted. Moments will still occur, emotions will resurface. Only now, the point of view will be different, and the approach can change.
It is difficult to look at what is ahead without what is behind trying to jump into the view. Bluntly put, it is difficult to consider carrying some relationships forward given what lies in the past. Some relationships are not meant to move forward. Some will. The ones that do carry on in some aspect will move forward differently. I can't continue to hold on to the past. It is exhausting and draining, and it benefits no one in the end. I struggle with allowing someone else the grace to change, even though I want that for myself. I struggle with allowing some people to continue to hold importance and prominence in my life. Trusting others can be difficult for me. Trusting those who hurt me in the past is even more strenuous and rare. That isn't a way to live though. I can't live an open and free life being constrained by fear, rejection and pain. How will I deal with those who continue to be in my life? One day at a time. Choosing to look at them through new eyes, without old emotions. I am not the person I was yesterday or ten years ago. I am the person I am today. I am a product of my past and the hope of  my future.
This ongoing internal journey is sometimes difficult and always rewarding. I have today. I have now. My choices lay out the path in front of me. The path I choose is hope, beauty, and extrodinary faith that something amazing lies ahead. One step, one moment, one day at a time.